I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
