the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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