we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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