the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
