My sheets look like a crime scene.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
