Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
