You just made me feel so damn special
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The adults are the big ones right?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
