textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
