i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
