I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
