The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
