I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
