6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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