hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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