I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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