I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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