3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize