Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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