he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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