During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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