lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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