Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
