based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
