I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
