her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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