Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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