so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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