Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
