he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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