just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
