My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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