Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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