Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
