He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
