I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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