No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
