You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
