he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
