I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my being single is dangerous.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
