Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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