Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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