guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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