Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
