I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
even my farts smell like vagina
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
