I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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