i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize