i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He uses pillows to masturbate.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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