at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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