He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Success! We fucked roommates!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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