remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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