And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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