I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
