I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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