dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
