she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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