We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize