I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
