I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
