I'm so fucking centered right now
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
