Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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