Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
