Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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