I feel great
I just peed on a car
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
two words: eviction party
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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