About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
