for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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