people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My ATM looks so different sober.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
